Below is an email I received the other day and my response:

Mr. Benoit

I am a High School student who is currently doing a report on one of your books, "You".  Some of the requirements are to find basic personal information on the writer.  Such as, Birth Date and Place as well as the name of your parents.  I've searched many websites and cannot seem to find any of these things.  I'd appreciate it if you could enlighten me with this simple information.  Thank You

Dear Eric,

Each year, thousands of young school lads just like you find themselves shipped off to juvenile detention facilities and penal colonies in the tropics. Their crime? They unwittingly assisted their “teachers” in elaborate identity theft schemes, often organized by criminal masterminds who pass themselves off as “school administrators” and “principals.” Sad to say, it appears that you have been lured into one of their nefarious plots, an innocent dupe in the classic Book Report Scam.

There is little doubt that the so-called teacher you’ve come to know and trust is in fact a savvy scam artist who has turned his—or her—brilliant mind to concocting intricate plans to obtain the most guarded secrets of the literati, then using that ill-gotten information to extract funds from the bloated bank accounts of authors, all of whom earn millions of dollars which they keep in buckets by the fireplace to burn on cold winter nights.

To accomplish their dark deeds, these crafty criminals assign harmless-sounding tasks to naive youth (such as yourself), who in turn contact authors with simple-sounding requests. Because of their incessant need for attention and approval, these authors willingly supply this information, often including their Social Security numbers, bank account balances and passwords. Soon these once noble writers are reduced to penniless hacks, forced to write ad copy to make ends meet. Since authors are the most respected and beloved people in the land, the government in its wisdom has assigned thousands of its finest intelligence agents to ferret out and destroy these wicked rings of bandits. Sadly, those who profit from these machinations often go free, leaving their innocent accomplices to bear the full weight of the law.

It is clear, dear Eric, that you are caught in a web of intrigue so complex and so dastardly that you will not escape unharmed. The blind wheels of justice will most assuredly drag you under. And you dare not seek help from the authorities either as those who have put you up to these tasks will see to it that you never live to testify against them.

I wish you luck, sir, but I fear the worse is yet to come.

Regrettably,

Charles